Sanctuary….

The original meaning of the word sanctuary is a sacred place. A modified meaning of this word is a safe place.

In current political conversations, this word has been bastardized to mean a haven for anyone. Currently, the word sanctuary has become to mean a place where anyone, lawful or lawless is allowed a safe place to be, regardless of what is in their hearts.

When I went to public high school back in the day, school was a sanctuary. It was my safe haven. I spent countless hours in the band room, theater, and in the library. My sanctuary was a safe place to read, play, practice and rehearse my music, and backstage building sets or running lines on stage with fellow thespians.

I did not have to worry about being bothered with inappropriate assaults or attacks. I did not have to feel like I could not express myself. I knew that the adult supervisors and teachers were there to look out for me. I knew the resource officer and security team were constantly roaming the halls of my school. It was to the point that you knew you couldn’t get away with anything because there were adults around and no one was going to mess with us kids.

Today it is a totally new game. You see my county is a “Sanctuary County”. I did not know this until a few years ago. I was recounting my crazy medic unit ride one Sunday night.

I am an EMT and I was driving the medic unit for my Sunday night shift.  We got a call for a person who was “ETOH”. The person was drunk and needed a ride to the hospital, he was mildly unresponsive , hence the call went to the medic unit. When we got there the young man( 5 foot and maybe 110 lbs soaking wet) was responsive to pain but would not move on his own. The security guard said he was unruly with patrons at the bar and then went “unconscious”. They had checked him for weapons before we arrived and said he was clear.

We proceeded down the road towards the hospital which was 5 minutes away. I had not gone a few blocks when I looked in my mirror and saw that the medic and EMTs in the back were getting kicked and hit. I called for help over the radio and let them know we were bailing out of the unit. My medic had been trying to get orders for Narcan in order to quiet this young man’s super-human strength. That and other signs pointed to drug use. Later it was confirmed that he had PCP on board. We ended up getting a police officer who then proceeded to taze the guy 3 times… our patient/attacker continued to go at the police officer. Finally other units and police arrived. They got the man down and we gave him the Narcan which worked like a charm. We were able to put him in the unit and move on to the hospital. One of the EMTs had been kicked so forcefully and continuously that she had shoe print bruises on her thighs.

I recounted this story to a friend who is a police officer. I asked him what happens to undocumented people who get arrested for assault and other crimes.  He told me that a few years back they were told that they were not allowed to call ICE anymore when they arrested a criminal who happened to be undocumented. As per the county executive’s orders. This is what sanctuary means now.

Those undocumented young men who were dropped into a freshmen public school class by the federal government(Thanks Obama) and proceeded to rape and sodomize an innocent child? Those men are here and in our school because Rockville is a sanctuary city.

The left has changed the meaning of the word sanctuary. For public servants trying to do their jobs and get the beat down, sanctuary means the city, town, county or state will harbor criminals, not vet incoming students, hide any bad people without alerting authorities over providing us with the tools we need to do our jobs.  I and all those people on that medic unit are volunteers. We don’t get paid, we could have had worse and more debilitating injuries had we not had proper training and all thought and acted quickly. For students in public schools, sanctuary means that bad people who do not assimilate to the culture, norms and laws are infiltrating any safe place you thought you had. Students in my county don’t know what danger lurks behind the eyes of a new student who suddenly appears in the middle of the year.

What many female students now understand is that Sanctuary does not apply to them. What female students now understand is that sanctuary can be hell. What one young girl lived through and had the courage to tell administrators about immediately, the sanctuary of school was a living hell. Now she (14 yo girl) has to live through the second living hell, the lawyers of her attackers(18 and 17 yo men- we don’t even know if that is their real ages since they have no documentation at all) are saying she wanted the attention and attacks. This right here just makes me want to vomit. The lawyer is implying that this child want to be forced into a mens bathroom raped and sodomized over a toilet and told not to tell anyone. What kind of , excuse my language, piece of crap can live with himself and say that! Rockville may consider itself a sanctuary city. However the citizens in this town, who pay taxes, who work hard , who drop their kids off at “a safe place called school”, may no longer consider that place to be  a sanctuary.

Indeed, I think the politicians and school administrators, can lie and white wash the truth to try and paint a rosy picture. But they have not done all they can do to keep the students safe. In attempting to be politically correct and “tolerant” they have offered up our children, particularly, this young lady as a sacrifice on the altar of their politics. They seem to try to be going about business as usual and justifying any poor choices they have made.

Our Superintendent, Jack Smith,  referred to the attack as an event. An event is a party, a concert, a play, a meeting. This was a brutal attack, a tragic moment and unforgettable nightmare for this young girl and by extension her family. My heart goes out to her and her family. Mr Smith’s use of such a term is more evidence that the school does not care and will not change their way of thinking and doing things.

This is a great moment to consider School vouchers or home schooling as an option. If the county public schools cannot or refuse to keep the children safe and prefer to use tax dollars on people who don’t appreciate it, let me chose where my education money goes.

I certainly will not be supporting a sanctuary anything: city ,school, or  state. Until the county, state and country begins to use the proper words. Sanctuary means a sacred and safe place. What the politicians and administrators are creating is anything but a sanctuary. They are creating an unsafe , lawless and chaotic place.

I am so sick over this. I am praying for this young lady, praying for our country…

 

 

 

 

Broken and loved

I may be broken but I know I am loved.

Though I am a broken human being with many flaws, faults, blemishes,mistakes, bad choices, and regrets, I know my Redeemer loves me still.

The trick is to find (and keep) people who can look past the brokenness and into my heart and still love and accept me.

It is so hard to say goodbye

I remember thinking, “this guy can’t be for real”
He had an ear to ear smile and a bear hug to go with it..
This was Chris our new brother in law. He couldn’t be for real. Yet I learned after a few hours of chatting and observation. He was the real thing. He was the most kind, genuine, loving happy bear-hugging beer drinking Redskin loving guy I had ever met. He had so much heart and never faked a damn thing.

These types of men are hard to come by. He had two kids he was raising with the help of siblings, marrying our sister Carol who had a son. This blended family worked. He was a happy daddy, loving and providing husband.
Everyone he met he was genuinely kind to. He had an exuberant nature. Everything he did with such gusto. He was all out, never shy about a punch line, an attempt at humor, if he was going to faux pas, it was going to loud!
The honesty and kindness that he shared with the world was new to me.

My husbands siblings are all fairly reserved, so this made the holiday visits fun.

Finally it was our turn to have kids. You know kids and dogs can smell a phony baloney a mile away.
My kids LOVED Uncle Chris. It is funny because it seemed the other cousins were very timid with him. He was always so loud with his hellos and squeezy with his bear hugs. My kids loved that. They loved him. He loved them. ” Girl, your kids are so cool, I love them! you know that? ”
Yes Chris, I know. They love you too.

Even though my husband’s sister passed away 10 years ago, He stayed a part of our family and celebrations. He was devastated when She passed.

Soon a new lady came into his life.
Bonnie was awesome and fit in as a good partner for Chris.
The kids grew to love her too. Bonnie and Chris. We would sit together at the “in-law” end of the table and joke the entire time. this past Christmas was beautiful. Unfortunately, Chris was diagnosed with cancer. Bonnie took such good care of him. She researched and cooked, prepped food, meds, took him to all his appointments and loved on him. We all love him. Last week there was a gathering for his daughters graduation. we all had a great visit with the man with the loud and loving heart , the was so genuine…

He passed suddenly.
I feel so blessed that we made the choice to see him and make the trek for the grad party. There were people at the viewing and funeral that felt bad for not making the party. For those of us there, it was a good bye. It was a last “I love ya brother”. (Though we did not know it at the time.) My kids all gave him a good bear hug and laughed and joked with him one more time.

Right now I can picture his full smile , eyes lit up with joy.
I know he is no longer suffering. I know he is in a better place. I still miss his presence. I am so sorry he will no longer grace our family gatherings. I am so sorry for his kids. Though they are grown and good kids, they have lost their mom and dad. It is not easy to bid someone so special farewell. Even though you know there is no more suffering for him.

I have been trying to keep it together through this week. But the funeral mass broke me. The outpouring of love, the beautifully sung Ave Maria, the realization that Chris was no longer present in this world with us. Now I can’t even stop the water works!  I thought writing about my dear brother would have made me feel better. It just reminded me of how much I am going to miss seeing his face , hearing his voice, knowing that  I would talk to him  or see him soon.

I guess it is a good thing, that no matter how many losses I face, I can still feel the pain of loss equally as the first time I lost a dear loved one.

And then she said this…..

I live in Wheaton, a suburb between Washington DC and Baltimore.

Baltimore, Maryland. That is right we call it Charm City. This week the city has not been so charming. We have seen the worst of some of the residents in Baltimore and there have been some bright spots too. There was a march with local pastors to calm the people down and encourage a peaceful conversation.

But one woman stands out in my mind. The woman being dubbed “Mother of the Year”. She was first seen on video, grabbing and “mamma bear”-slapping her black hoodie clad cub. You see, She saw him. In her words from a news interview, he made “eye contact’ with her. Though he was donning a ski mask, she knew it was her son hiding in the crowd of brick hurlers. There were a number of young people prepared to do battle. They came with bags of bricks and rocks to throw at the combined police force that had amassed after a few nights of unrest in Baltimore.

When the woman in Yellow(Ms. Graham) saw her son in this group, she took action immediately. She reach out and grabbed her son by the hood and started slapping him, yelling at him(though it is not audible), all the while removing him from the group. As I watched her, I understood her motivation.  The reason there was some unrest was due to the death of a man, Freddie Grey, in police custody. And in my mind, I realized she was protecting her son. She knew, with the amount of police, the chance of her son becoming another statistic was unbearable. I completely understood her motivation , fear, and rage, at  the thought of losing her son.

So it was with great interest I watched a blurry TV news interview with Ms Graham someone had video taped and then posted. She is a single mother of six children and she feared for her 16-year-old boy’s life. And then she said this, “There are times when I keep my son in.”

Think about that, sometimes she tries to keep her 16-year-old son in the house. The implication was that  he was safer inside the apartment than out on the streets with his friends. At that moment I immediately asked out loud , “where is his daddy?”

And the larger picture of life in Baltimore started to come into focus.  The answer to the question “why would a bunch of kids destroy their own community and possible opportunities? What did they have to gain? More importantly , what did they have to lose?

I commend Ms. Graham for keeping her child safe and alive. Especially because she has been doing it on her own. She is doing what she can. But I cannot imagine not having the great outdoors as an option for my teen-aged kids. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with time and nothing to lose. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with an able body and no father figure or positive male role models. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with nowhere to let off some steam. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with no safe place to explore his environment.

Now imagine predatory young men who are in gangs or equally hopeless or lack ambition. these young men become leaders and take the young men in who have no father and provide structure or activities. These activities may not be lawful or positive or fulfilling.

I do not have solutions, but I do see the problem is so much bigger. The problem stems from a breakdown of the family. The problem stems from young men with no ambition , no job, or nowhere to go after they are let out from school. The problem stems from not making critical thinking skills a more intricate part of the school curriculum.

To her credit, though Ms. Graham raised him alone, she raised him well. A boy his size could have easily taken her down. But he knew that was Momma and he showed her the respect of not raising a had back at her and in the end going home with her. That is huge.

This one woman gave me hope for the future.
However she gave me insight to a problem that is huge and needs much more attention and care. People need to care about kids, their education, their economic situation, and their well-being. At the same time we need to see how we can help super Moms like Ms Graham. How can we support and lift up these brave and awesome women who take what they have and do their very best?

For now, I will keep Ms. Graham and her family in my prayers.

When Life Happens…

A new life is such a joy. I sat in church yesterday and we were surrounded by beautiful new babies. I was reminded of our own young life with new babies, drool stains, and sleepless nights. I was also reminded of the awe I felt as I cradled our new baby. I recall rocking back and forth whenever I held the baby so that he or she was comforted. I was comforted by the warm little body, whose heart fluttered so fast and eyes were so bright.

Now, we are in a new stage. our kids are growing up. I find myself looking back at those baby days and wishing they had not grown so quickly. I do not regret anything. Though I wish time went slower.

My mom has passed away now 5 years(after a 10 year battle with cancer), dad has cancer but is surviving, and my younger sister has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I find myself wondering why I have been spared. I try to ignore this nagging question.

A part of my coping mechanism during this harsh winter has been to watch cheesy hallmark movies on Saturday nights. Somehow, the sweet little dramas and love stories, that end well are a comfort to me. I realize though that instead of reaching out to those around me I am seeking comfort in some sappy unrealistic movies.

This is bad right? I guess it is better than drugs, alcohol or other deviant behavior.
But as I sat there watching a movie that I knew would end with the right characters finally falling in love against all odds( I could write these movies!), I wondered why I was wasting my precious time on such entertainment.

That is the one thing I always say, “not enough hours in the day!”. But the therapeutic nature of these movies is priceless. I realize I watch them at night before bed. As if I need a bedtime story to tuck me in at night. A story without beheadings, cancer, corrupt politicians, overpriced items, a box full of papers that need to be filed, and oh taxes!

My goal this winter is to survive, stay healthy and be strong.
Appreciating babies from afar, watching sappy movies and working out daily will be my therapy.I will though make sure I only watch one per weekend and spend more time with my family and friends and have meaningful conversations and exchanges.

Looking forward to spring, planting and plotting my garden, and sunshine!

Suicide is not the answer

Going along with the sanctity of life theme from the month of January, I struggle to understand suicide.

A few weeks ago I attended the funeral of a colleague’s 15 year old nephew who committed suicide. This was a bright and talented young man. He had friends that showed up at the funeral wearing bow ties in honor of this young man’s whimsical and fun personality. There were parents and a sibling who lovingly eulogized him. he had doting grandparents , aunts and uncles who spoke about a young man full of life with musical and theatrical talents that made him shine. hours before he jumped off an overpass into traffic, he was having fun with a friend making holiday treats. There are pictures of this on the facebook page.

So my question during the funeral(in my head) was why would this otherwise loved and lovely young man take his own life so decisively.What possesses a person to take their own life? How can someone feel so alone and in such a hopeless place while showing to the world a completely unique and fun personality?
I felt the pain of his parents. I felt it so acutely, that when I went home I hugged my kids so tightly. I began to look to my own children. Were they behaving normally? Were they keeping something from me? Were they sad?

What can a parent do more than that and try to foster healthy conversations and be available. Unfortunately, parents, teachers, or friends do not have the answers. Sometimes it is from within. Sometimes, there is an underlying mental health issue that has gone unnoticed or neglected.

I had known that there were kids in my older daughter’s school who had attempted but not succeeded suicide. But I never thought much about it because they did not succeed. Looking back I realize that even those who do not succeed are somehow or feel somehow broken inside.
This is so sad to me. I had almost forgotten about the suicide issue until another child, this time a middle school aged child was found unconscious in the boys bathroom with self inflicted wounds that eventually took his life as well. Middle school. These kids are ages 10-13. Think about that.

How early do we need to help educate kids, parents , and teachers about the signs and prevention of suicide? 4th grade?

Looking for some solutions. One child committing suicide is too much. More than that in this land of plenty makes me so sad.

I resolve…

I resolve to be healthy.

I resolve to feed my mind and my soul hopefully with only wholesome books, music, art, and other experiences.

I resolve to put out only that which I want to receive. In other words, I will try to be positive and let the light of Jesus shine through my smile, my words, and my actions.

I resolve to be a good friend, mother, wife, sister and daughter. A big part of doing this will be to remember not to over do for others and make sure to take care of myself.

I resolve to reduce clutter. The clutter in my house, the clutter in my car, the clutter in our lives of activities and speeding around like our life depends on being busy.

I resolve to put pen to paper daily. In addition to a weekly entry, I have one or two stories to tell. I need to work on these stories. Stories about my family, stories about my life, and stories that are fictitious.

I resolve to fill some of my free time with creative and wholesome activities. Reduce the screen time for myself and my family. Activities could be hobby based (soap making, baking, or sewing) as well as being outdoors.

I resolve to save some free time for me and God. To be still and pray and listen and read His word.

<<<<<Me healthy!

reflections of a mom who doesn’t know when to stop….

You know what I am talking about. You work into the night to finish a project, you get up early even through you are dragging, do your workout even though you have a cough. The next thing you know you are laid up in bed because your body will not let you move one more inch without punishment!

This is me.

The day before New years, I thought I was feeling better so we went to the farm to take care of the animals… then I got sick again.

So after the flu, a sinus infection, relapse and upper respiratory infection and missing Christmas, New year, and Anniversary celebrations I did stop. At the request of my dad, I visited my internist. And was promptly sent to the rehab room where I was given a nebulizer treatment. The doc gave me meds, and a note for work (mandatory three days off!).

I think some of my illness was brought on by stress. Dad was in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia and my sister diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed with a new semester of hard work plus the kids home schooling. I thought I could do it all. Then I started to get sick. Dad ended up needing a feeding tube and had a long recovery.

The mandatory rest days have given me time to make choices. I had been reading passages in the Bible about worry and how it is unhealthy. I was also listening to a woman on the radio discuss the importance of having time to nurture yourself.

When I was sick I experimented with some soup for one recipes. My version of french onion soup( in a 1/2 cup ramekin).

So now I am downsizing my extra curricular activities. This year I plan to focus on my family, good health, and to develop my crafts a bit as well. I temporarily dropped out of grad school in order to take this time and not be stressed. One of the projects I am planning is to do a patio vegetable garden for my sister. With my kids and nieces as gardeners and helpers, I hope this can be a fun family project and help my sister in her recovery as well.
Garden therapy for all!

For now, I am resting.. two more days. My youngest keeps telling me to go to bed because that is what the doctor said. I argue that he said rest not lay in bed all day!
She is a good nurturing child. Okay I will go back to researching recipes and yes maybe watch a movie.

2015 is here…

Well goodbye to 2014.
2014 was a year filled with travel , new adventures , struggles with school and balance, and the loss of my Grandma. December proved to be a whopper of a month. Dad got sick and was hospitalized, found out my sister has a disease, I got the flu and my uncle flew in to visit and help with the mayhem that became the last few weeks of December.

With all that I am very thankful for all the blessings , even with bad news came good things. Traveled to Ecuador and Grandma died while I was there. Got to visit with her and other family members. Got to travel to Scotland with Jules and her stage program who got invited to the FRINGE festival in Scotland. Awesome! Our return with hats!

I have so much to look forward to. I am trying again to learn about balance. I am getting it and cutting back on the things that are not necessary in my life. I am making time for people who are important to me. I am not feeling guilty for letting some things slide.
Let’s face it the hardwood floors will forever need to be swept due to the furry creatures who reside with us.

We lost Anthem in December 2013. We got Bosco in August of 2014 who has proved to be an awesome companion to Jack.

Jules is playing in the baby jazz band at school like I did when I was in high school. It is a cool thing to watch your kid do some of the same things you did(the good things!) when you were in high school.

Resolutions, there are many. Keep on my scheduled workouts, drink more water, be more peaceful. I need to learn not to be negative especially in my own head. Sometimes when I interact with people close to me, I am tempted to vent or think very negative thoughts and be critical, instead of letting it all go. So I guess another resolution this year will be to learn to “let it go”. “It” being negative feelings or reactions to interactions with people. Because in the end as I tell my kids “God did not put you on a deserted island, you are on earth in a suburban setting , you can’t go any direction without finding people” . We need to learn to get along.

“Letting it go” many times is  something I have to do when dealing with family members.

I mean we are all different and we don’t all react the same way. I need not to judge the way Simone deals with things just because I would never do what she does. Right?

We made some new traditions and revisited old traditions. When Mom was alive, she would take me as a little girl , then my daughters to see the Nutcracker every Christmas season. She began by taking my oldest when she was a wee three-year old. Even the last year she was with us, she purchased tickets but ended up sending me in her place. My oldest realized she was not doing well and was sad because she had a feeling she was not going to finish out the year.  Well , after she passed my sister and I took them once but it was difficult.

This year on a whim I bought three tickets for my daughters and I. It was one of the best Christmas memories of 2014! The three of us went to the Diner for lunch, hung out at the book store for a few, then went to the ballet. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon. Our seats were in the last row. But we had a great view and the girls and I were completely impressed and enjoyed the day. We all thought about Mom and remembered that she instilled in us all the appreciation of ballet and music. ❤

What to look forward to in 2015?

More of the same: school, chores, farm team work, Jules will be graduating High School, spring musicals, possibly some road trips this summer, Pam’s dance competition season is beginning. I hope to make some soap this year and be more organized.

Hoping to stay healthy!

CHEERS!

Blue Sky plus Monarch Butterflies equal September

The beautiful deep blue sky in September creates in me a mix of feelings. Every time I look up and see a perfect, cloudless deep blue sky in September I am at first in awe of the beauty and serenity I feel when I see this. Then a sudden creepy ugliness comes over me. I am transported to that day 13 years ago.
I recall looking up and pointing at the sky to my children saying, “Isn’t this deep blue absolutely gorgeous? Abuelita Julia and Tia Euge are going to have a good flight home to Quito Ecuador!”
Yes, then later that morning on September 11, 2001 planes flew into the Twin towers.
It is because of that day, I feel superstitious, almost as if I should not be saying it is a lovely day because it may turn out to be another day of terror. It really is irrational to have a perfectly gorgeous fall day ruined by fear of what may or may not happen. It is a sick type of mental illness. I do feel it sincerely and deeply. It is like any other bad habit like smoking.  ( I don’t smoke but I understand the internal fight that occurs when you know something is bad but you do it anyway). It is bad for my (mental) health yet, I cannot help myself. My mind does it. I allow it.
It is a melancholia that I feel. Also because both my Mom and grandmother are no longer here. But on that day we were all together.

Today late in September, the sky was gorgeous deep blue, the air was clean, there was a refreshing breeze that lifted my spirits above that day thirteen years ago. I refused to let that old creepy feeling ruin this day. I prayed to be released from such bad thoughts . For a moment my prayers were answered.
As I walked through the garden and worked through my noon time garden chores, I saw something moving near the Mexican Sunflower.
Actually, there were four Monarch butterflies: three on the Mexican Sunflower and one on the butterfly bush. These lovely creatures stayed in my garden until dinnertime. It was a treat to have them visit for so long. I got to take many pictures so that we can sketch and paint these butterflies in Art class. The answer to my prayer was that I need to look around and appreciate what I have regardless of what may be coming.

I kept walking back out to see if they were still in the garden and they did stay until late.