It is so hard to say goodbye

I remember thinking, “this guy can’t be for real”
He had an ear to ear smile and a bear hug to go with it..
This was Chris our new brother in law. He couldn’t be for real. Yet I learned after a few hours of chatting and observation. He was the real thing. He was the most kind, genuine, loving happy bear-hugging beer drinking Redskin loving guy I had ever met. He had so much heart and never faked a damn thing.

These types of men are hard to come by. He had two kids he was raising with the help of siblings, marrying our sister Carol who had a son. This blended family worked. He was a happy daddy, loving and providing husband.
Everyone he met he was genuinely kind to. He had an exuberant nature. Everything he did with such gusto. He was all out, never shy about a punch line, an attempt at humor, if he was going to faux pas, it was going to loud!
The honesty and kindness that he shared with the world was new to me.

My husbands siblings are all fairly reserved, so this made the holiday visits fun.

Finally it was our turn to have kids. You know kids and dogs can smell a phony baloney a mile away.
My kids LOVED Uncle Chris. It is funny because it seemed the other cousins were very timid with him. He was always so loud with his hellos and squeezy with his bear hugs. My kids loved that. They loved him. He loved them. ” Girl, your kids are so cool, I love them! you know that? ”
Yes Chris, I know. They love you too.

Even though my husband’s sister passed away 10 years ago, He stayed a part of our family and celebrations. He was devastated when She passed.

Soon a new lady came into his life.
Bonnie was awesome and fit in as a good partner for Chris.
The kids grew to love her too. Bonnie and Chris. We would sit together at the “in-law” end of the table and joke the entire time. this past Christmas was beautiful. Unfortunately, Chris was diagnosed with cancer. Bonnie took such good care of him. She researched and cooked, prepped food, meds, took him to all his appointments and loved on him. We all love him. Last week there was a gathering for his daughters graduation. we all had a great visit with the man with the loud and loving heart , the was so genuine…

He passed suddenly.
I feel so blessed that we made the choice to see him and make the trek for the grad party. There were people at the viewing and funeral that felt bad for not making the party. For those of us there, it was a good bye. It was a last “I love ya brother”. (Though we did not know it at the time.) My kids all gave him a good bear hug and laughed and joked with him one more time.

Right now I can picture his full smile , eyes lit up with joy.
I know he is no longer suffering. I know he is in a better place. I still miss his presence. I am so sorry he will no longer grace our family gatherings. I am so sorry for his kids. Though they are grown and good kids, they have lost their mom and dad. It is not easy to bid someone so special farewell. Even though you know there is no more suffering for him.

I have been trying to keep it together through this week. But the funeral mass broke me. The outpouring of love, the beautifully sung Ave Maria, the realization that Chris was no longer present in this world with us. Now I can’t even stop the water works!  I thought writing about my dear brother would have made me feel better. It just reminded me of how much I am going to miss seeing his face , hearing his voice, knowing that  I would talk to him  or see him soon.

I guess it is a good thing, that no matter how many losses I face, I can still feel the pain of loss equally as the first time I lost a dear loved one.

And then she said this…..

I live in Wheaton, a suburb between Washington DC and Baltimore.

Baltimore, Maryland. That is right we call it Charm City. This week the city has not been so charming. We have seen the worst of some of the residents in Baltimore and there have been some bright spots too. There was a march with local pastors to calm the people down and encourage a peaceful conversation.

But one woman stands out in my mind. The woman being dubbed “Mother of the Year”. She was first seen on video, grabbing and “mamma bear”-slapping her black hoodie clad cub. You see, She saw him. In her words from a news interview, he made “eye contact’ with her. Though he was donning a ski mask, she knew it was her son hiding in the crowd of brick hurlers. There were a number of young people prepared to do battle. They came with bags of bricks and rocks to throw at the combined police force that had amassed after a few nights of unrest in Baltimore.

When the woman in Yellow(Ms. Graham) saw her son in this group, she took action immediately. She reach out and grabbed her son by the hood and started slapping him, yelling at him(though it is not audible), all the while removing him from the group. As I watched her, I understood her motivation.  The reason there was some unrest was due to the death of a man, Freddie Grey, in police custody. And in my mind, I realized she was protecting her son. She knew, with the amount of police, the chance of her son becoming another statistic was unbearable. I completely understood her motivation , fear, and rage, at  the thought of losing her son.

So it was with great interest I watched a blurry TV news interview with Ms Graham someone had video taped and then posted. She is a single mother of six children and she feared for her 16-year-old boy’s life. And then she said this, “There are times when I keep my son in.”

Think about that, sometimes she tries to keep her 16-year-old son in the house. The implication was that  he was safer inside the apartment than out on the streets with his friends. At that moment I immediately asked out loud , “where is his daddy?”

And the larger picture of life in Baltimore started to come into focus.  The answer to the question “why would a bunch of kids destroy their own community and possible opportunities? What did they have to gain? More importantly , what did they have to lose?

I commend Ms. Graham for keeping her child safe and alive. Especially because she has been doing it on her own. She is doing what she can. But I cannot imagine not having the great outdoors as an option for my teen-aged kids. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with time and nothing to lose. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with an able body and no father figure or positive male role models. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with nowhere to let off some steam. Imagine a 16-year-old boy with no safe place to explore his environment.

Now imagine predatory young men who are in gangs or equally hopeless or lack ambition. these young men become leaders and take the young men in who have no father and provide structure or activities. These activities may not be lawful or positive or fulfilling.

I do not have solutions, but I do see the problem is so much bigger. The problem stems from a breakdown of the family. The problem stems from young men with no ambition , no job, or nowhere to go after they are let out from school. The problem stems from not making critical thinking skills a more intricate part of the school curriculum.

To her credit, though Ms. Graham raised him alone, she raised him well. A boy his size could have easily taken her down. But he knew that was Momma and he showed her the respect of not raising a had back at her and in the end going home with her. That is huge.

This one woman gave me hope for the future.
However she gave me insight to a problem that is huge and needs much more attention and care. People need to care about kids, their education, their economic situation, and their well-being. At the same time we need to see how we can help super Moms like Ms Graham. How can we support and lift up these brave and awesome women who take what they have and do their very best?

For now, I will keep Ms. Graham and her family in my prayers.

I resolve…

I resolve to be healthy.

I resolve to feed my mind and my soul hopefully with only wholesome books, music, art, and other experiences.

I resolve to put out only that which I want to receive. In other words, I will try to be positive and let the light of Jesus shine through my smile, my words, and my actions.

I resolve to be a good friend, mother, wife, sister and daughter. A big part of doing this will be to remember not to over do for others and make sure to take care of myself.

I resolve to reduce clutter. The clutter in my house, the clutter in my car, the clutter in our lives of activities and speeding around like our life depends on being busy.

I resolve to put pen to paper daily. In addition to a weekly entry, I have one or two stories to tell. I need to work on these stories. Stories about my family, stories about my life, and stories that are fictitious.

I resolve to fill some of my free time with creative and wholesome activities. Reduce the screen time for myself and my family. Activities could be hobby based (soap making, baking, or sewing) as well as being outdoors.

I resolve to save some free time for me and God. To be still and pray and listen and read His word.

<<<<<Me healthy!

reflections of a mom who doesn’t know when to stop….

You know what I am talking about. You work into the night to finish a project, you get up early even through you are dragging, do your workout even though you have a cough. The next thing you know you are laid up in bed because your body will not let you move one more inch without punishment!

This is me.

The day before New years, I thought I was feeling better so we went to the farm to take care of the animals… then I got sick again.

So after the flu, a sinus infection, relapse and upper respiratory infection and missing Christmas, New year, and Anniversary celebrations I did stop. At the request of my dad, I visited my internist. And was promptly sent to the rehab room where I was given a nebulizer treatment. The doc gave me meds, and a note for work (mandatory three days off!).

I think some of my illness was brought on by stress. Dad was in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia and my sister diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed with a new semester of hard work plus the kids home schooling. I thought I could do it all. Then I started to get sick. Dad ended up needing a feeding tube and had a long recovery.

The mandatory rest days have given me time to make choices. I had been reading passages in the Bible about worry and how it is unhealthy. I was also listening to a woman on the radio discuss the importance of having time to nurture yourself.

When I was sick I experimented with some soup for one recipes. My version of french onion soup( in a 1/2 cup ramekin).

So now I am downsizing my extra curricular activities. This year I plan to focus on my family, good health, and to develop my crafts a bit as well. I temporarily dropped out of grad school in order to take this time and not be stressed. One of the projects I am planning is to do a patio vegetable garden for my sister. With my kids and nieces as gardeners and helpers, I hope this can be a fun family project and help my sister in her recovery as well.
Garden therapy for all!

For now, I am resting.. two more days. My youngest keeps telling me to go to bed because that is what the doctor said. I argue that he said rest not lay in bed all day!
She is a good nurturing child. Okay I will go back to researching recipes and yes maybe watch a movie.

My oldest is growing up

This school year, we  have been deluged with postcards, letters even fat envelopes with invitations for my Jules. They range from a “Save the Date” card for Open house to an invitation to a National leadership conference. They also range in price from free to over two grand!

As I sat here looking at the latest of these correspondences, I realized my baby girl is growing up. Suddenly, when I look at her, I see the curly-haired cherubic face of the 6-year-old she used to be. It seems like just yesterday we brought home from the Birth Center, hearing my sister-in-law saying”Don’t Blink”. For all you Whovians out there , this was not a reference to Dr Who and fallen angels. It was a reference to the fact that rolly poly babies who depend so much on us will grow up so fast, one could miss out on a special moment.

My dear Julia is growing up. The text she sent me saying “High school is such a waste of my time” speaks volumes. She is not one of those teenagers who is self involved and cares about her appearance or  the latest fashion. This is a teenager who takes pride in working hard and being a spendthrift. Her time is better spent writing than shopping. She loves the outdoors and the arts. She wants to get out get a job and start living her life as an adult and productive member of society.

It is funny because she is being enticed by the college life. She is curious and wondering what it would be like. She would love to go to college. I think a part of her would get through her sophomore year and be anxious to get out into the “real world”. She will most likely go to college.

I look at my daughter and still see that cute little curly-haired innocent girl.  She has a bright future because she is smart, practical, and talented. She has common sense and can solve problems.  She is well equipped for this world.  I am sad because from the time she began to crawl to now seems so short like  blink of an eye and here we are looking at colleges, majors, life choices, and what she wants to be when she grows up.

Here is my baby girl all grown up with her study buddy, Jack!

Learning my lesson the hard way

Last Saturday morning, I had experienced some chest pains. Much like when I was in labor, I tried my best to walk away as fast as I could from the pain. Sadly, walking faster, cleaning the house more vigorously,  nor studying harder would make this pain in my chest go away.After  almost two hours of hot pain in my chest, I called my medic friend and asked her to meet me at the rescue squad.

She was going to reassure me that I was okay.

Ha! The minute she saw me in the parking lot, she knew I was going to the hospital by my face and the color that had almost completely drained from it.

She convinced me to go and I am glad she did. they transported me and the new medics who were actually on duty did an outstanding job.

For anyone who knows me, especially the medics whom I drive, they know I hate hospitals. For me to agree to go to our local ER , there was something definitely wrong that needed to be addressed.

I can’t even tell you how many times, I have been driving Kate, Jerry , or Sunyong and have commented ” I hate hospitals!”… In fact, I say it every time I walk through the doors( as an aside to the medic not out loud to the patients.).

So my compliance confirmed her suspicions  that truly I was not well.

A quick ride to the hospital after some baby aspirin and I was in a bed in the ER. My friends on the medic unit and in the ER took good care of me. Nitro patch was applied after the EKG.

My husband came in and I realized, there were things to be done but they were in his hands today. I guess the nitro worked a little too well in that my blood pressure had dropped and all that was left in me was to ask him to turn the light down and bring me some water. VERY COMPLIANT!

The next day they sent me home with an aspirin a day regimen and I had to promise I’d get in to see a cardiologist asap.

After all that hoopla, I was ready to go home. After all the health fairs I had participated in doing health screenings, especially for the Sister to Sister group, I was the one going home with the warnings about everything that I must do.

The first thing that all the docs said to me was to slow down and drop some of my activities.

The one thing I have done is given myself plenty of time so I don’t feel rushed. If I am late, I start to do some deep breathing and think about how a few minutes of worry will solve absolutely nothing.

I have not been back to the rescue squad for duty yet. I plan to go in this Sunday for a few hours. My girlfriends were mad that I did not call them when this happened. The truth is it happened so fast and I was really not completely with it.  As I spoke with Rhonda about Sunday she asked when I would be there, I said noon to six… no five. She laughed and said “You are learning!”

I am learning.

I have always known that I was lucky to have wonderful kids and husband  and good health. I refuse to squander it rushing around trying to do for others all the time. I have learned to set limits and not feel guilty about not committing to extra duties of any sort outside the home. I am learning to  have balance: that means some time for myself and saying no when I need to.

Trying to eat more greens.  Spending more time with my family and much less time worrying about everything that really is out of my control. I have been able to look at a snow day as a gift to really explore the day and the things that interest my kids the most. (Usually I would make them do morning school work then play.

We went for a hike while it was snowing and it was the most peaceful and chatty walk for all. It was a nice break from all the rushing around.

Now we are looking forward to some possible snow tomorrow night, we have all talked about what we want to do on that snow day should we get it. The agenda includes, hiking, sledding, reading , baking cookies, some crafting, and enjoying the “free” day.

 

Resolutions

I know it is the tenth of January. I am a little late in posting or discussing New Year’s resolutions but I am going to do it anyway.

In the past five years we have gone from keeping a very healthy pantry to stocking some of the most obnoxious “convenience” foods.

It was a gradual change that only was noticeable by our growing waistlines. They were small increments but when our big pants began to feel tight, I realized that we needed an intervention or someone to back up and reevaluate the kitchen, the gym, and the screen time ratios. We were spending more time in front of the screen( mostly with school stuff ) with movies, games, and books. My oldest daughter and I have a passion for books and writing, two unfortunately sedentary hobbies. We have workout equipment, dvds and some active games on the XBox. We also have some other games that keep my son sitting. I had to analyze the contents of the pantry, freezer, and refrigerator. The freezer still has tons of goat’s milk for soap making so I don’t have much room for frozen junk food. The refrigerator has good items: dairy, fresh eggs, fruits, vegetables and leftovers, some tortillas and condiments. It was that darned Pantry that kept items with longer than normal shelf life products.

I had to do something about it. I went through and tossed a bunch of items such as breakfast bars, cookies, cookie mixes( I can’t believe it we are bakers!!!), and chips of every variety. I kept and organized staples such as cooking oils, olive oil,s vinegar,  nuts, dried fruit, canned tomatoes, bouillon cubes, spices, flour, other baking staples, oats and other whole cereals, rice cakes, rice, barley, and tortilla chips.

Resolution #1: Eat healthy and whole foods. I really was trying to fool myself that the breakfast bars were okay. They are not. They are highly processed and have high fructose corn syrup. Who needs that anyway? If I want a “breakfast bar” I will make a batch of oatmeal cookies with dried fruit in them and call it a day! I am baking bread  and we have actually reduced the amount of pasta we eat. If the kids crave something sweet, they find a new recipe for something new and bake a batch. We are working on portion control

Then I cleaned out the back room, found much clutter in items that could be given away,  recycled, or trashed. This made some of the work out equipment more accessible. Limited screen time not to include working out with DVDS or XBOX dance/ sports. As soon as the ice melts, we are heading out for daily hikes again.  The chickens have gotten us outside a lot more than usual during the colder months, but we need to make an effort to organize and plan a daily workout.

Resolution #2 Move more… individually and as a family. With Anthem gone, we still have Jack. He is a big and young energetic Shepherd. He needs his daily walks. I am encouraging the kids to take him out for longer walks. It is good for everyone! I think I may start jogging again. My shoulder and neck are feeling much better and the kids are antsy to get  back to it as well, especially when it is warm out.

Those are the two big ones. The other ones are personal.

I am going to try to write more regularly  and nurture my creative side( the non-baking part!)I think I say this every year! I am going to make a HUGE effort to commit only to the time I can give and make sure to carve out some me time on a weekly basis. I already made the greatest step towards this in stepping down from my position at the rescue squad. Part of how I will keep myself sane and managing my time is by logging everything  in my phone calendar. Part of this commitment ban will be making more time to really communicate with my kids: turning the radio down in the car and the house listening and commenting more deeply to their conversations and fighting the urge to shush them.  Don’t get me wrong I love my kids but sometimes, I want to hear the news. Lastly, I will be conscientious about following Jesus’ teachings. My goal is to try to love my fellow brothers and sisters, be forgiving and kind, and try to look at the positive side of every situation. ( I know I am going to be tested just for saying that last part!)

Good luck to all my fellow New years resolutians!

confessions of a mom who commits too much

So I have finally decided to step down as Assistant Officer in Charge of my crew at the rescue squad.

It has been a tough decision. I started my time at the rescue squad with Monday crew. After about 4 years I switched to Sunday Crew and worked my way up the ladder. Took lots of classes and rebuilt a very small crew numerous times. People come and go. I always saw myself as being a life member riding , running calls regardless of whatever was going on in my life….

Then graduate school happened.  That and my hobby of soap making is becoming more serious. The kids growing up and seem at this point in life( teens) need me even more than when they were newborns but in a different way.  They need rides to places, they need me to participate in order to support their activities, they have performances that I gladly attend, then there are all the practices and rehearsals.  At least as infants, I always knew they were very close by. Now they are her and there.

So it seems that my life has changed and I must adjust. My first calling is being my kids’ Mom. I have had some fun and exciting experiences and adventures at the Wheaton Volunteer Rescue Squad. Now it seems my time and attention are needed elsewhere. And though I will miss the adrenalin rush, the good friends I love to hang out with, (I will not miss the seriously dysfunctional ones) I look forward to having one less commitment and carve out a little more time for studying and being in the moment when I have a conversation with any of my tweenaged/teenaged children.

Here are two of my best gal pals at the squad. All three of us are life members. I am going to follow their lead and start coming in when I am needed on my own terms, when I have free time.

My three kidlets, unicorns, my dear children. Here they are at the farm on a cold  and windy December morning, ready to do farm chores. Note the smiles on their faces. They like hanging with me and each other. When you have teens who want to hang out with their mother, it is very special and I don’t want that to change.

Nor do I want to miss out on any special times like these.

I think what I realized this semester is that with less extra time,

I constantly  felt rushed. I felt like I was behind or under the gun . I worried about missed deadlines . While I was caught up in worry, I forgot my focus. I forgot what was most important because I had so many obligations outside of home.

Spending the Christmas holiday together and coming to this decision has been bittersweet. But the truth is that they are growing up and my purpose is to see that I turn out some decent young adults. That when my kids are cut loose  in this world they will make their mark in a positive way and reflect the good that came from our time together.

Today is January  1 2014. We spent the day doing fun things. We visited with old friends, they played games outside, enjoyed the sunshine, had conversations, and watched  one of our favorite shows ( Animated series: Avatar: the last Airbender)  . Once they are finished their homework, we will play some games.

Nice end to the first day of the year.

 

 

The day has come

It is the most difficult part of owning a creature, particularly dogs.

To decide that your dog is too sick and you must make a merciful choice of euthanasia, in theory seems like a no brainer. However, it is full of emotions. You spend a decade with a dog as your pal, who loves you unconditionally and is forever happy to see you regardless of what is going on in the world, and never holds a grudge when you take them to the vet for a shot! This creature that will make your day by making you feel like you are the center of the world.  My sensible and adult brain says of course, we cannot make her suffer. My emotional side is thinking about how much my heart will ache when she is gone!

I knew this day would come. I just was not really ready for it.  My shadow, my little garden dog, Anthem, is preparing to go to Rainbow ridge.  We went to the vet because her allergies or skin rash was worsening. We went got a new antibiotic and the rash cleared up nicely. The vet said she could gain a few pounds. I reminded him we were trying to keep her on the lighter side due to her dysplasia. She started to breathe heavy three days ago. We thought it was her response to pain so we upped the tramadol.

It was not making her better so we went to the vet and they examined her. After x rays, we found there was fluid in her lungs… and everywhere else. Once the vet drained her lungs, we could see her heart was enlarged. This girl is a solid ten years of age. She is not healthy. When I saw the size of her heart I realized that regardless of no more fluid in the lungs, there were bigger problems. We discussed quality of life issues with the vet and she sent us home.

She told us to watch her for signs such as trouble breathing, or any type of stress and discomfort.

Anthem was a little loopy from the meds. She slept well, she laid in from of Jack’s crate. But as the day went on, her breathing became more labored.

I just had the image of the grapefruit sized heart in her chest and I knew , I had to act like a grown up and make an unselfish decision about Anthem’s quality of life.

The kids took pictures with her and took little samples of  her fur ( Weird I know!!!).

Then they all hugged her goodbye.

The journey to Rainbow Bridge for Anthem has begun.

Me and my girl…( my eyes red from crying in anticipation of the last ride to the vet.)

Her buddy , Jack, keeps looking out the front door for her.  ( At least that is what I think he is doing).

 

Rainbow Bridge poem:

 

 

Rest easy Anthem, hope you see Victor there.

Things I wish I could say on a call….

Last night was  a very busy and interesting night.

Some shifts, there seems to be a theme to our calls on the medic unit.: chest pains that are not really chest pains, codes, MOs, abdominal pains, old people, young people, traumas( those are the most interesting), and nursing home calls. This shift, it seemed to be hold your tongue calls. Those calls where you really want to say something to either the patient, family members, and or bystanders but you really cannot.

I wanted to say so much during my shift, that when I finally drifted off to sleep for a nap the next day, I dreamed about what I would say.

We were called for an elderly patient who was sick. We get to the nursing home and predictably, the staff  is  clueless. This is one of those places where there is rarely a doctor on staff and sometimes there is not even an RN on staff. This is one of those facilities where the odor dirty diapers, urine, and all sorts of sepsis, and nastiness assault your nose when you walk in the door.  This is the place where sometimes you are not sure who is the patient and who is visiting.  This is one of those places when I drive away , I pray I will never inhabit.

First of all if you have your parent in this place, I am not sure what kind of a son or daughter you are!

The son called because he complained about the treatment she is receiving ( or not ) at this facility. I spoke with the patient and she seemed to be fine. She did not want to go to the hospital but the  son wanted her to go.

This is what I wanted to say to him: She is 99 years old. If she doesn’t want to eat maybe she just wants to be in peace? Or  Would you have an appetite living in this place? Will you turn her so she doesn’t get bed sores, carry her to the bathroom when she needs to go, and talk with her and keep her company? If so take her home. It is the humane thing to do. Lastly, when people get to a certain age, they should not be put in institutions such as this hell hole. They should be loved and respected and treasured.

On a gorgeous sunny day, She should be sitting in a chair on a porch watching the birds and drinking a lemonade and some home-baked cookies. Isn’t that what she did for you when you were young?

It made me sad. It really made me sad. And it made me mad that today, we value life less and less, unless of course you are young and beautiful.

Another call for a child with special needs going to the emergency room. This was a call where there was a meddling older adult  counseling the parents hard on where this child should go. I later found that  this woman was not even related. Wow. What a contrast. Here we had an older member of a community practically running rough shod over the parents(particularly the father) telling these people what they should do, using the latest tactics in guilt to get them to do what she thought was best. At the heart of the situation there were many people concerned about the health and well-being of the patient.

Here I really wanted to tell the yente to butt out! We did turn to the parents saying , it is their choice and we would do what we thought was in the patient’s best interest.  At three o clock in the morning, driving up to an hour  out-of-the-way passing several hospitals including the one where this child was being seen was out of the question and not in the child’s best interest. Fortunately the father spoke up and put his foot down. We gladly, took the child to their hospital of choice.  It was in the child’s best interest for many reasons.

All the while on these calls, I remain professional, carefully keeping in my place so as not to offend anyone and take care of my patient.

Sometimes it is so difficult to hold my tongue. After calls like these , we talk about it amongst ourselves as a way to debrief.

After calls like these, I thank God for healthy children. I am thankful that in our family we value life at all ages and stages. After calls like these I need to write.

Be thankful for your parents, kids, and grandparents. Cherish and treasure all the people in your lives and respect their wishes.