Suicide is not the answer

Going along with the sanctity of life theme from the month of January, I struggle to understand suicide.

A few weeks ago I attended the funeral of a colleague’s 15 year old nephew who committed suicide. This was a bright and talented young man. He had friends that showed up at the funeral wearing bow ties in honor of this young man’s whimsical and fun personality. There were parents and a sibling who lovingly eulogized him. he had doting grandparents , aunts and uncles who spoke about a young man full of life with musical and theatrical talents that made him shine. hours before he jumped off an overpass into traffic, he was having fun with a friend making holiday treats. There are pictures of this on the facebook page.

So my question during the funeral(in my head) was why would this otherwise loved and lovely young man take his own life so decisively.What possesses a person to take their own life? How can someone feel so alone and in such a hopeless place while showing to the world a completely unique and fun personality?
I felt the pain of his parents. I felt it so acutely, that when I went home I hugged my kids so tightly. I began to look to my own children. Were they behaving normally? Were they keeping something from me? Were they sad?

What can a parent do more than that and try to foster healthy conversations and be available. Unfortunately, parents, teachers, or friends do not have the answers. Sometimes it is from within. Sometimes, there is an underlying mental health issue that has gone unnoticed or neglected.

I had known that there were kids in my older daughter’s school who had attempted but not succeeded suicide. But I never thought much about it because they did not succeed. Looking back I realize that even those who do not succeed are somehow or feel somehow broken inside.
This is so sad to me. I had almost forgotten about the suicide issue until another child, this time a middle school aged child was found unconscious in the boys bathroom with self inflicted wounds that eventually took his life as well. Middle school. These kids are ages 10-13. Think about that.

How early do we need to help educate kids, parents , and teachers about the signs and prevention of suicide? 4th grade?

Looking for some solutions. One child committing suicide is too much. More than that in this land of plenty makes me so sad.

reflections of a mom who doesn’t know when to stop….

You know what I am talking about. You work into the night to finish a project, you get up early even through you are dragging, do your workout even though you have a cough. The next thing you know you are laid up in bed because your body will not let you move one more inch without punishment!

This is me.

The day before New years, I thought I was feeling better so we went to the farm to take care of the animals… then I got sick again.

So after the flu, a sinus infection, relapse and upper respiratory infection and missing Christmas, New year, and Anniversary celebrations I did stop. At the request of my dad, I visited my internist. And was promptly sent to the rehab room where I was given a nebulizer treatment. The doc gave me meds, and a note for work (mandatory three days off!).

I think some of my illness was brought on by stress. Dad was in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia and my sister diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed with a new semester of hard work plus the kids home schooling. I thought I could do it all. Then I started to get sick. Dad ended up needing a feeding tube and had a long recovery.

The mandatory rest days have given me time to make choices. I had been reading passages in the Bible about worry and how it is unhealthy. I was also listening to a woman on the radio discuss the importance of having time to nurture yourself.

When I was sick I experimented with some soup for one recipes. My version of french onion soup( in a 1/2 cup ramekin).

So now I am downsizing my extra curricular activities. This year I plan to focus on my family, good health, and to develop my crafts a bit as well. I temporarily dropped out of grad school in order to take this time and not be stressed. One of the projects I am planning is to do a patio vegetable garden for my sister. With my kids and nieces as gardeners and helpers, I hope this can be a fun family project and help my sister in her recovery as well.
Garden therapy for all!

For now, I am resting.. two more days. My youngest keeps telling me to go to bed because that is what the doctor said. I argue that he said rest not lay in bed all day!
She is a good nurturing child. Okay I will go back to researching recipes and yes maybe watch a movie.

Snow… no complaints :)

We got a good amount of snow this February.  Actually we started getting snow in December and it has been an on again off again relationship. Snow then sunshine and unseasonably warm days.

Today is one of those gorgeous days where the weatherman said it would get up into the 60’s. Sixty degrees Fahrenheit. YUP

There is still a good amount of snow on the ground which has been a fun medium for our art classes and has proved to be an excellent border for the hens. It works like an invisible fence. The hens hope over the fence land on the snow, then play a game of lava to get back to the path i have carved closer to the house.

My oldest was sick for most of it so she missed the snow. She was happy to be at her lap top writing so she did not miss it. She took the opportunity to work on her craft. She loves to write.

Philip and Pam though took full advantage of the time in the snow . We made snowmen, snow hens, a snow fort with a slide( courtesy of the plow!), and an art project.

I had the kids plan a snow sculpture together. On the sunny day after president’s day , the kids went out and planned a sculpture, they planned to sculpt a Pokemon.

Mostly, they spent a lot of time gathering snow and shoveling which was a bonus work out. They got down to business and created this cool creature (below).

It was fun to have some snow and spend some “snow days” crafting, playing, baking, reading and drinking cocoa.

However, I think we all agree we are ready for sunshine and spring.

I am ready to be back on a regular schedule and to start on my garden… give me some spring!

While our german shepherd loves the snow but the hens cold do without it!

Learning my lesson the hard way

Last Saturday morning, I had experienced some chest pains. Much like when I was in labor, I tried my best to walk away as fast as I could from the pain. Sadly, walking faster, cleaning the house more vigorously,  nor studying harder would make this pain in my chest go away.After  almost two hours of hot pain in my chest, I called my medic friend and asked her to meet me at the rescue squad.

She was going to reassure me that I was okay.

Ha! The minute she saw me in the parking lot, she knew I was going to the hospital by my face and the color that had almost completely drained from it.

She convinced me to go and I am glad she did. they transported me and the new medics who were actually on duty did an outstanding job.

For anyone who knows me, especially the medics whom I drive, they know I hate hospitals. For me to agree to go to our local ER , there was something definitely wrong that needed to be addressed.

I can’t even tell you how many times, I have been driving Kate, Jerry , or Sunyong and have commented ” I hate hospitals!”… In fact, I say it every time I walk through the doors( as an aside to the medic not out loud to the patients.).

So my compliance confirmed her suspicions  that truly I was not well.

A quick ride to the hospital after some baby aspirin and I was in a bed in the ER. My friends on the medic unit and in the ER took good care of me. Nitro patch was applied after the EKG.

My husband came in and I realized, there were things to be done but they were in his hands today. I guess the nitro worked a little too well in that my blood pressure had dropped and all that was left in me was to ask him to turn the light down and bring me some water. VERY COMPLIANT!

The next day they sent me home with an aspirin a day regimen and I had to promise I’d get in to see a cardiologist asap.

After all that hoopla, I was ready to go home. After all the health fairs I had participated in doing health screenings, especially for the Sister to Sister group, I was the one going home with the warnings about everything that I must do.

The first thing that all the docs said to me was to slow down and drop some of my activities.

The one thing I have done is given myself plenty of time so I don’t feel rushed. If I am late, I start to do some deep breathing and think about how a few minutes of worry will solve absolutely nothing.

I have not been back to the rescue squad for duty yet. I plan to go in this Sunday for a few hours. My girlfriends were mad that I did not call them when this happened. The truth is it happened so fast and I was really not completely with it.  As I spoke with Rhonda about Sunday she asked when I would be there, I said noon to six… no five. She laughed and said “You are learning!”

I am learning.

I have always known that I was lucky to have wonderful kids and husband  and good health. I refuse to squander it rushing around trying to do for others all the time. I have learned to set limits and not feel guilty about not committing to extra duties of any sort outside the home. I am learning to  have balance: that means some time for myself and saying no when I need to.

Trying to eat more greens.  Spending more time with my family and much less time worrying about everything that really is out of my control. I have been able to look at a snow day as a gift to really explore the day and the things that interest my kids the most. (Usually I would make them do morning school work then play.

We went for a hike while it was snowing and it was the most peaceful and chatty walk for all. It was a nice break from all the rushing around.

Now we are looking forward to some possible snow tomorrow night, we have all talked about what we want to do on that snow day should we get it. The agenda includes, hiking, sledding, reading , baking cookies, some crafting, and enjoying the “free” day.

 

Resolutions

I know it is the tenth of January. I am a little late in posting or discussing New Year’s resolutions but I am going to do it anyway.

In the past five years we have gone from keeping a very healthy pantry to stocking some of the most obnoxious “convenience” foods.

It was a gradual change that only was noticeable by our growing waistlines. They were small increments but when our big pants began to feel tight, I realized that we needed an intervention or someone to back up and reevaluate the kitchen, the gym, and the screen time ratios. We were spending more time in front of the screen( mostly with school stuff ) with movies, games, and books. My oldest daughter and I have a passion for books and writing, two unfortunately sedentary hobbies. We have workout equipment, dvds and some active games on the XBox. We also have some other games that keep my son sitting. I had to analyze the contents of the pantry, freezer, and refrigerator. The freezer still has tons of goat’s milk for soap making so I don’t have much room for frozen junk food. The refrigerator has good items: dairy, fresh eggs, fruits, vegetables and leftovers, some tortillas and condiments. It was that darned Pantry that kept items with longer than normal shelf life products.

I had to do something about it. I went through and tossed a bunch of items such as breakfast bars, cookies, cookie mixes( I can’t believe it we are bakers!!!), and chips of every variety. I kept and organized staples such as cooking oils, olive oil,s vinegar,  nuts, dried fruit, canned tomatoes, bouillon cubes, spices, flour, other baking staples, oats and other whole cereals, rice cakes, rice, barley, and tortilla chips.

Resolution #1: Eat healthy and whole foods. I really was trying to fool myself that the breakfast bars were okay. They are not. They are highly processed and have high fructose corn syrup. Who needs that anyway? If I want a “breakfast bar” I will make a batch of oatmeal cookies with dried fruit in them and call it a day! I am baking bread  and we have actually reduced the amount of pasta we eat. If the kids crave something sweet, they find a new recipe for something new and bake a batch. We are working on portion control

Then I cleaned out the back room, found much clutter in items that could be given away,  recycled, or trashed. This made some of the work out equipment more accessible. Limited screen time not to include working out with DVDS or XBOX dance/ sports. As soon as the ice melts, we are heading out for daily hikes again.  The chickens have gotten us outside a lot more than usual during the colder months, but we need to make an effort to organize and plan a daily workout.

Resolution #2 Move more… individually and as a family. With Anthem gone, we still have Jack. He is a big and young energetic Shepherd. He needs his daily walks. I am encouraging the kids to take him out for longer walks. It is good for everyone! I think I may start jogging again. My shoulder and neck are feeling much better and the kids are antsy to get  back to it as well, especially when it is warm out.

Those are the two big ones. The other ones are personal.

I am going to try to write more regularly  and nurture my creative side( the non-baking part!)I think I say this every year! I am going to make a HUGE effort to commit only to the time I can give and make sure to carve out some me time on a weekly basis. I already made the greatest step towards this in stepping down from my position at the rescue squad. Part of how I will keep myself sane and managing my time is by logging everything  in my phone calendar. Part of this commitment ban will be making more time to really communicate with my kids: turning the radio down in the car and the house listening and commenting more deeply to their conversations and fighting the urge to shush them.  Don’t get me wrong I love my kids but sometimes, I want to hear the news. Lastly, I will be conscientious about following Jesus’ teachings. My goal is to try to love my fellow brothers and sisters, be forgiving and kind, and try to look at the positive side of every situation. ( I know I am going to be tested just for saying that last part!)

Good luck to all my fellow New years resolutians!

Things I wish I could say on a call….

Last night was  a very busy and interesting night.

Some shifts, there seems to be a theme to our calls on the medic unit.: chest pains that are not really chest pains, codes, MOs, abdominal pains, old people, young people, traumas( those are the most interesting), and nursing home calls. This shift, it seemed to be hold your tongue calls. Those calls where you really want to say something to either the patient, family members, and or bystanders but you really cannot.

I wanted to say so much during my shift, that when I finally drifted off to sleep for a nap the next day, I dreamed about what I would say.

We were called for an elderly patient who was sick. We get to the nursing home and predictably, the staff  is  clueless. This is one of those places where there is rarely a doctor on staff and sometimes there is not even an RN on staff. This is one of those facilities where the odor dirty diapers, urine, and all sorts of sepsis, and nastiness assault your nose when you walk in the door.  This is the place where sometimes you are not sure who is the patient and who is visiting.  This is one of those places when I drive away , I pray I will never inhabit.

First of all if you have your parent in this place, I am not sure what kind of a son or daughter you are!

The son called because he complained about the treatment she is receiving ( or not ) at this facility. I spoke with the patient and she seemed to be fine. She did not want to go to the hospital but the  son wanted her to go.

This is what I wanted to say to him: She is 99 years old. If she doesn’t want to eat maybe she just wants to be in peace? Or  Would you have an appetite living in this place? Will you turn her so she doesn’t get bed sores, carry her to the bathroom when she needs to go, and talk with her and keep her company? If so take her home. It is the humane thing to do. Lastly, when people get to a certain age, they should not be put in institutions such as this hell hole. They should be loved and respected and treasured.

On a gorgeous sunny day, She should be sitting in a chair on a porch watching the birds and drinking a lemonade and some home-baked cookies. Isn’t that what she did for you when you were young?

It made me sad. It really made me sad. And it made me mad that today, we value life less and less, unless of course you are young and beautiful.

Another call for a child with special needs going to the emergency room. This was a call where there was a meddling older adult  counseling the parents hard on where this child should go. I later found that  this woman was not even related. Wow. What a contrast. Here we had an older member of a community practically running rough shod over the parents(particularly the father) telling these people what they should do, using the latest tactics in guilt to get them to do what she thought was best. At the heart of the situation there were many people concerned about the health and well-being of the patient.

Here I really wanted to tell the yente to butt out! We did turn to the parents saying , it is their choice and we would do what we thought was in the patient’s best interest.  At three o clock in the morning, driving up to an hour  out-of-the-way passing several hospitals including the one where this child was being seen was out of the question and not in the child’s best interest. Fortunately the father spoke up and put his foot down. We gladly, took the child to their hospital of choice.  It was in the child’s best interest for many reasons.

All the while on these calls, I remain professional, carefully keeping in my place so as not to offend anyone and take care of my patient.

Sometimes it is so difficult to hold my tongue. After calls like these , we talk about it amongst ourselves as a way to debrief.

After calls like these, I thank God for healthy children. I am thankful that in our family we value life at all ages and stages. After calls like these I need to write.

Be thankful for your parents, kids, and grandparents. Cherish and treasure all the people in your lives and respect their wishes.

Friends

“That’s it! I am done with facebook” said our eldest.

I asked why.  She explained that she is disappointed and does not want to see how uninformed her friends and classmates are ( not all her friends just her newest friends form school).

Let me just say, she was checking her facebook after the Zimmerman Verdict.

I thought to myself, I am so happy not to be on facebook at this moment. I knew I would experience the same frustration. I was already experiencing this from the apathy about IRS, Benghazi, NSA, and other scandals.

I realized there was the dark side of facebook. You get to know more about people( more than you want to know). When you are in a good and invested relationship with a person, you get to know them gradually. There are face to face conversations in which you have you look the other person in the eye, read their body language and feel the vibes as the conversation moves on.

When you are on social media there is a safety zone so to speak. You can say things on the screen without worry about about seeing or feeling a reaction. You can say things that may come across in a hurtful manner or at least insensitive. People become very brave and say things they would not say to your face. People are so brave they write things that if they said it to your face you may be inclined to slap them!

With something like 300 plus “friends” I am bound to have a difference of opinion with a few of those friends.  I am in the minority of opinion of a subject at times , after a while I get tired of the name calling and trying to defend myself. I don’t have a problem defending myself. The problem comes when I can see the sneer on my “friend’s “face through the screen.  I can see how that “friendship” changes.

So I have opted out of the facebook fad.  My daughter still goes back and gets sucked into ridiculous arguments with uninformed , undereducated fellow students.  I know it sounds a bit condescending. I have seen some of the arguments that have no logical basis or sound thinking to support it. She throws her hands in the air saying how do I argue against this Mom!? She asks because she can argue logically . Her friends wpont follow and argument. They will throw out different subjects without completing an argument. They cannot support any statements so they say “Well what about this? ” instead of supporting what they say.

She will probably leave facebook sometime soon as well.

Facebook for me was good as a way to keep in touch with relatives and friends in far away places. Now I pick up the phone and call. I have also started writing letters. I would rather have a few very good friends that I see and speak with regularly and nurture those relationships than waste time on a social media that in the end is frustrating and ruins what were good friendships. Well maybe not good friendships but those in between acquaintances and blossoming frinedships.

As an aside, I spell checked and facebook should be capitalized, but I refuse to give it such stature here!

 

 

 

” The Sanctity of Life”

I wasn’t sure whether I should post this here or my politics blog.  I chose to put it here.

I was cleaning up and going through some old books. One was the book  Pope john Paul II In My Own Words.

This was one of the books that my mom read often in her final days. I was flipping through it and a picture caught my eye. I knew there were no illustrations in this book.

I opened the book and found a beautiful color copy of a picture. All the grand children (including my sisters niece in-laws) all in their Easter Best. The youngest is Gaby . She is a baby in a car seat(she is a march baby so she must have been about 1-2 months old. The rest of the girls are in Easter dresses that Mom bought for them; Pamela and Isabella donning Easter Hats. My son Philip in his Easter suit that Mom pick out as well. The background is a lovely fuchsia colored azalea bush in full bloom. Mom was so proud of her grand babies and her flowers that Dad tended to so diligently.

The quote on the first page starts like this:

” Man is called to a fullness of life which far exceeds the dimensions of his earthly existence…”

-Evangelium Vitae

Mom was caught between this earthly existence that had such beauty and vividness;  the liveliness of the grand babies that showered her with love. I imagine her contemplating their lives and future of which she would not be a part of because of her terminal prognosis. I know she was constantly struggling with her faith and that she believed that the life after death was beautiful in heaven verses that which she had here  with her family on earth. I know she wanted to see them do things , grow up, graduate from school all the normal things that most grandparents normally enjoy.

My own grandmother(her mother) is still alive seeing her grand children have babies. She even has a great-granddaughter of college age.

I felt compelled to write about my Mom. We did not always get along nor were we that much a like.  I miss her dearly every day.

Last night when we went to mass, I saw the light coming through the giant stained glass window and I was moved to tears. I wasn’t sure why, I did think  about how she loved those kinds of things. Then seeing this picture in her book, I started to think about her even more. I know towards the end she did express some regrets to me about a few things. I never forgot that. I try every day not to do things Id regret.  More so, I try to take advantage of opportunities to live in the moment and appreciate my kids and husband.

Funny , I still wonder everyday why and how she got cancer. Then Dad?  I always go back to the amount of stress in their lives was the main contributor to their disease.

If I were to be honest I am scared. I cannot live scared however so I try and just live and appreciate life.

miss you mom….

I like this one of mom fixing the flowers

She was always taking pictures so it was rare to find a good picture of her.

 

Seed time!

      I finally got my seeds! I am so excited. I have two varieties of peppers, 4 varieties of tomatoes, one bag of seed potatoes and a variety of other summer / fall staples!  Prepping the pots for the seeds, and the ground for the potatoes.

The kids have all taken turns being sick with a noro virus. Both my husband and I are dreading getting it. Both walking around saying ” Oh, my stomach is tight”. Hopefully neither of us will get sick. My goal is to get seeds done by Saturday afternoon and the potatoes in by lunch time .

Sunday  is St Patrick’s day and the day my boy was born. His aunt has the same birthday so we are having a family celebration on Sunday so I have to get it done !

Trying a few new items this year. I have never grown sweet onions or cauliflower. Starting them from seed so it will be interesting. Also thinking of trying growing grains from seed as well. I will do an experiment with one grain  in a small area this year. I am also looking into winter compost crops.

My garden is in my front yard. Go figure that is where I get the most sun.  My neighbors seem to be okay with it. One of my neighbors regularly contributes veggie scraps to my compost bin. In turn I provide her with some fresh figs, tomatoes, and peppers.  Hopefully a little waving wheat or a patch of oats wont bother them.

My husband jokes that he thinks my master plan is to have no grass and all garden in the front yard. That is pretty much my plan. Though I will probably leave some square patches of grass to accent the veggie and herb beds.

We have ordered the chicks they come in May . YAY!  We are all so excited!

Every year this is part of our science curriculum. Though now the kids are experts at making the light huts for seed starting and they are great at digging. I will make the lessons about planning and design. Part of the design and planning is figuring out companion planting. Since the yard is a relatively small space, we have to be able to make the most of our space.

Happy Gardening!

Spring is around the corner

I had ordered my seeds back  in early February as I do every year. This year I added some seed potatoes. MY BAD! They are behind with those so my entire order is on hold. This kind of throws a monkey wrench in my plans.

I guess it will be interesting if starting my seeds indoors two to three weeks late will make a difference . The lady at the seed company did promise I’d get them before March 17 , which is potato planting day. The delay has given us time to work the outside beds. I just can’t wait for the seeds!!!

We are trying leeks this year, so excited.In other garden news, I saw the first bunny! I was coming home form a meeting late and she/he scurried past me directly to the potato bed.

I think this year I am going to try using Agribon to protect my garden from predators/and poachers of the furry kind.

 

 

I am hoping to avoid the avian death that occurred at the berry bushes last year.  Last year I had covered my berry plants with the fruit guard. This was like a plastic grid. But a  grey catbird  got caught up in there struggled and died. It made me sad.  So sad that I took the guard off and had only a few berries .

This year the berries will be covered in agribon and I will leave some figs for the birds!

You can get Agribon online mostly. If you live near a nursery, they would have it there. However, you can shop for deals on line.

So excited for spring.

Jules my oldest has decided to follow through and raise some chickens as pets( egg layers).

We are hoping to get chicks as soon as April.  Jules has researched this project for a few years. I think we are ready. There is a pretty interesting group in my area of backyard chicken keepers. It is nice to have a good support system. We have visited a few and gotten some good pointers.

. We are looking at Marin, Barred rock, Buff Orpington, and she also likes the Wyandote.

Marin

                 eggs More to come on our adventures in sustainable living. I know that living in the suburbs, I cannot get a cow for milk or broilers  for meat. However we will do this experience to see how much square footage in garden will save us money in eggs and veggies. All of us, except my husband , are excited about having chicks and hens as pets too! We are all trying out cool hen names. I told them to wait until we get the chicks and we may be further inspired by their characteristics.

I read Animal , Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.

It was a wonderful book about her experience of a year of sustainable living. For a year her family ate only what was in season and what they grew. I felt sad for her teenage daughter who longed for a salad in March and rejoiced with her when in late April the baby greens appeared! It has inspired me to do what I can to grow what I can and make what I can and see how those measures will help with our home budget. I am not sure if I can make it through Jan-April without lettuce. Maybe I will cheat and try to grow hydroponically in the winter.

I will post more later with our own pics .

Happy Gardening!